⁺‧₊˚ ཐི⋆♱⋆˚₊‧⁺⌖𓆨

 the grass is always greener on the other side.
everyone wants to be pretty. to be attractive. to be desired.

until almost every boy you've dated has harassed you. until his friends make comments about your body.

that one guy i was with back in early november was still trying to be close with me after we broke up, even though i was clearly uncomfortable. i decided that i would try to bring it up at lunch, especially because i hear his friends call him a 'simp' when he's around me. at lunch i went over there just to, as a joke, throw some raisins on the table and i said "merry freaking christmas".
i went to turn around, and he said
"wait! viv, come back." all his friends started going "nahhh no way" or "ooooh brooo"
i turned around and said "..what."
he replied "i have a gift for you."
i said "awhhhh, really?? 🤗 you shouldn't have 😐" and he pulled out a bag of cheez-its, my favorite snack.
he gave them to me and said "i know they're your favorite." i said thank you and smiled, but then his friend said
"so what, are you gonna subscribe to her onlyfans next or what? because-" and then his friends laughed.

i asked a guy friend of mine about why people treat me like this. he said "it's because you're pretty."

whoop-dee-doo, i'm a winner!! here's my prize, being only desired for my body for the rest of my life!!!

..is that really what i am to guys? a body?

other girls always compliment me. i really appreciate it. but i've had so many of my friends tell me "i wish i was pretty like you."
that really hurts. every girl that has said that to me? i have been able to notice the beauty in all of them.

a girl complimented my face and hair. she has my dream body. her stomach is so flat. i bloat so easy.
another girl told me she thought that no guy would find her attractive. she is tall, and people make fun of her. i am made fun of, and other times sexualized for how short i am. she is strong. i am weak. if i were to get kidnapped or someone tried to hurt me, i wouldn't be able to fight back.
another girl told me i was too pretty to be with her. i love everything about her. she is one of the most gorgeous girls i know. her features are so unique. i think unique is beautiful. i will never be able to forget her face. 

we are just always in a constant cycle of unrealistic expectations. of envy. of discontent.

WELCOME TO WOMANHOOD GUYS!!! YAY 🥳🥳🥳🥳

everyone wants to be "conventionally attractive"
let me tell you, it lowkey sucks.
like, it is easier to talk to people and get along with them, but i don't know for sure if they care about my personality or only my looks.
i actually can't recall the last time i was complimented for something that wasn't my appearance.

 i (partially) made a new theme for my journal!!! idk i just wasn't feeling the red and black anymore. now it's gray and blue!!! i really enjoy it.
AND THE BACKGROUND IS DIAMOND EYES DEFTONES.
i. freaking. love. deftones.
oh yeah we vibing
also the text is new font... arial narrow. aka the brat font. very very nice.
it might be a little hard to read for some people but i think you can view journals without formatting? but i'm not sure sorry ;(

Hi!! It’s been so long since I’ve updated, sorry!! My life has been super eventful but also uneventful at the same time. I got a boyfriend recently but I’m struggling with my sexuality a lot right now, I think I might be exclusively sapphic?? I don’t know but I hope he understands because he’s a nice guy 😭
Also, THE NEW SOUTH PARK EPISODES?!?! PEAK. Except the Halloween episode was pretty mid tbh o_o
Anyway, thought I would just drop in and say hi <3
Oh, also, I’ve been super obsessed with Death Note and The Bad Guys lately. New hyperfixations, yay!

 

I am so sleep deprived 

 i'm honestly really happy to see my ex doing better actually. i've been looking at his journal and our group chat's texts every once in a while.  it seems like he's moved on, which i really hope he has. 
and hey, if you're reading this, i do care about you. i don't think i'll ever be able to be close with you ever again, but i think about you a lot. i will forever be grateful for what we had and what i experienced with you. i kinda hope you haven't forgiven me yet. you have every right to be upset with me, you should be. you deserve someone better than i was. i'm a selfish, impatient bitch. i've been like that for years. i thought you would've changed that, but you didn't- and that's okay, no one will. never blame yourself for this. if you need to be mean, be mean to me. 

oh, and tell your friends they're total pieces of shit. but its okay, i am too, lol. 

 okay first off, i used to hate saying fine shyt so much but now it kinda grew on me.
anyways, at my pre band camp, this guy in drumline was wearing a tv girl shirt, which HELLOOOOOOO instantly put him on my radar. he also has cute curly blonde hair and he radiates green flag energy!!!
Today i found out his name and his grade from an older friend too yay!! he's two years older than me which isn't too bad of an age gap imo. he's in the grade i thought he was in actually.
we're in different sections though so talking to him will be difficult but i wanna get to know him before i start fangirling lmfao. 

 Goth is a music based subculture, and I am admitting that before tpday I had not listened to any goth bands. 
Now that I am, I regret waiting so long to.
I'm getting super into The Cure and Depeche Mode currently.
Off topic but do ever wanna just crash out at someone for reacting in a way to something that is technically your doing

 South Park season 27 in 3 days!! So excited :D 

 i made more braceletssss! i was gonna list them but there's a lot. my favorites are creek, marjorine, wendy and towelie. next session i plan on making the parents, yayyy.

mission Make a Kandi Single for Every Main South Park Character is happening for me now.
i made stan, kyle, eric,kenny, butters, and the goth kids, which inspired this amazing idea.

 at like midnight yesterday my friend pissed me off and i full on crashed out at her and my pookie
i said i didn't fully mean everything i said but i actually kinda did
i feel really bad though